Computer Support Fees

Support Fees:

	Calling me with a question - $10
	Calling me with a stupid question - $20
	Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
	Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
		problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
	Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

	Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
		end somehow - $200
	Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
	Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
	If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
		problem - $45/hr
	If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
	If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
	If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm
		currently working on - $70/hr
	If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
	If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but
		never did fix - $85/hr
	If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't
		work - $95/hr
	Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
		immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

	Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having
		and which is "stopping all work.":
	Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the
		office knows anything about it.  - $1700.00

	Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
	Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
		not to do - $300.00

	Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and
		another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear
		you say...  "So that's what the little box that popped up on
		my screen was telling me to do!" - $40
	Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see
		if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying
		five other things, asking you to identify your plug type,
		listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish,
		"Oops.  Nevermind."  $35 (including discount for polite apology)

	Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger
		than 18 points - $15
	If I wrote the sign - $45
	If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
		facing the door - $75

Beeper Prices:

	Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50
	Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help
		files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on
		all machines before I left - $100

	Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's 'offline' and
		the fix is to press the 'On Line' button - $200
	Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
	Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25
	Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call /
		hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500