P R O C L A M A T I O N
                           ***********************

WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has problems:

=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.

=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.

=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.

THEREFORE, in an official and secret democratic vote, Kibo has been duly
elected LEADER OF THE NET.  To solve these problems, Leader Kibo has decided
to take bold measures, a brave new initiative, detailed herein.

PHASE ONE.  GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/15/92,
            0600GMT.

A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for government
employees.

PHASE TWO.  NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL BE ISSUED ON
            4/16/92, 0600GMT.

The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.  Usenet
is dead.  Long live HappyNet!

********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********

THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:

Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE.

=>  nonbozo.*
=>  bozo.*
=>  megabozo.*

Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting
in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre,
etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the
groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the
faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in
bozosity assessment.

It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus:

 1.0000%  nonbozo.*
90.0000%  bozo.*
 9.0000%  megabozo.*     (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)

Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically:  bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,
bozo.inane.*, bozo.argue.*.

New groups will also be added for maximum enjoyment.  The network would be
a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new
groups.  Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously
father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,
megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official
Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then
making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $100 for each
letter in the new group's name, and $500 for each period.

Also, over five billion groups will be added at HappyNet's inception, free
of charge!

********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********

To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader Kibo
has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of "personal"
groups.  Some people, or groups of people, currently are popular enough to
have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, alt.fan.john-palmer,
alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.fan.mike-jittlov,
alt.angst.xibo.sex, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia,
alt.fan.harry-mandel.  Because everyone is equal before the eyes of Leader
Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP.

A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be
mailed to everyone on the planet.  It will read:

    Dear Citizen Of The New Network,
        You will be assigned your own group, placement depending
    on your answer to this simple question.

    ARE YOU A BOZO?     [] YES   [] NO

People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and
people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.
People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be
taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to
appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and
assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.

Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED
ACCESS to HappyNet.

********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********

Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR
DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room
of every building on the planet.  Not only will this encourage higher net
communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as
it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and
to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.

In fact, it will even allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are
THINKING, thanks to the heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL
FORCE.

********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********

The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer
system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,
relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings.  They will monitor,
censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to
DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS.

They have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks and the
twelve-inch-thick shoulder pads and the twelve-inch cleats.

And, of course, they will punish evildoers at night.

********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********

Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,
and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.

.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud.

Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
officially changed to "Me Too".

Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
Webster's Ninth.

Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose","Anti-Semetic",
or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times.

Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.

Sending a newgroup without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to
adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.

Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
groups about fluffy puppies.

Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is
rendered illiterate by a simple trephination.

Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all
of Craig's mail.

Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when
people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.

Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
slogans on their body in huge script letters.

Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new
keyboard without capitals or punctuation.

*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for each
asterisk.

Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.

Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the
advertising time.

Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're
using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.

Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,
whose custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better than
theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.

Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.

Humor impairment: Execution.

Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
poster predicted.

There are others, but they are double secret.

Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various
enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition
Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic
Patriots, and the .signature .specialforce.

Alt.flame (now megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by tale@rpi.edu, as
his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.

A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the
frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in
Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Brad
Templeton, allowing him to devote full time to ClariNet.

Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of
the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.

LEGAL NOTICE: Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST
include the following:  Disclaimer: This disclaimer is not required by
Leader Kibo.  This article does not necessarily represent the opinions of
Leader Kibo.  Have a nice day.

******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********

In the future, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other
`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup
comedy, and sex.  .signatures will be sixty-second commercials.  Alt.sex
(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.

********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********